Changing Habits for Someone with ADHD

ADHD and Executive Function Disorder in adults adds a different level of challenge to achieving new habits. Here’s a few ways to help you change a habit.

 

What’s behind habit formation and how to change a habit?

As Atomic Habits author James Clear writes:

        “Changes that seem small and unimportant initially will compound into remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them for years.”

Forming new habits is a complex and challenging mental, emotional and physical process. It involves more than a simple three-step process. And, usually takes longer than most people want it to. 

Let’s talk about the roadblocks which could derail your effort. For those individuals with ADHD or Executive Function challenges, I’ll point out how you have superpowers to take advantage of. It’s also helpful to understand the journey to create new habits. 

Prepare for Roadblocks

Inevitable roadblocks hit when we’re working on change. We know “good intentions” or “sheer willpower” will not move us closer to a habit change in the long run. Take the time to consider why you haven’t been able to sustain the desired change.

        – Not enough time scheduled to make this happen?

        – Really committed?

        – Fear or Shame?

        – Judgment or Guilt?

        – Do you need a trusted friend or two to hold you accountable?

Reflect honestly on what’s holding you back. And let’s consider what you can do differently this time to stick with this new habit.  

Answer the WHY Behind the Goal

I believe reaching the change we want begins with finding the deep seeded reason you want it. Many times, something bigger than ourselves is what takes us to the next level. Become aware of the emotion attached to the change. 

It may be hard to admit the real reason we want something. At the time, we answer questions in a socially acceptable way only to experience the reason, and change is short-lived. What’s your more resounding answer? I want to lose weight to spend more time with my grandchild. Live longer. Ride a bike. Walk without feeling out of breath.

Imagine you want to lose weight to be healthy. Go deeper. Ask yourself, “Why do I want this?”. Often you’ll find a more honest answer. You may realize the real reason is different than health. Possibly to have more confidence. Or be a specific size or shape to help you feel more confident.

Let’s get real with your WHY. Write down every reason you want this new habit.

Understand What It Will Take to Have What You Want 

You’ve addressed why you want this new habit. Now, what it will take to create this change? Knowing this helps you stay focused and motivated because road bumps will appear. 

Your thoughts are critical to your success. Some thoughts will be the truth, and many will be negative untrue thoughts. Write down every thought – even the most insignificant thoughts when you ask yourself:

        – will I be able to achieve this new habit

        – what’s different this time

        – what will my family and friends say about me

        – do I really want to do this because if I do … or if I don’t…

For example, others criticize me for fear of failure, shame, or pain. 

Manage your expectation on how long it will take to reach your goal.

Identifying the date and time you want to reach this goal is essential. Be specific. Don’t shy away or be vague. Also, detail the specific behaviors and time you’ll invest in creating this new habit.

Let me say something about discipline. Delayed gratification is resisting the impulse to choose an immediate reward instead of obtaining a higher-valued reward in the future. Statements such as “I don’t have time to eat” or “I can’t eat because I’m too busy” stop you from doing what you want. Accept that something needs to change, and “You,” “I” can only change ourselves.

ADHD and New Habits

ADHD is your superpower. You have the ability to hyper-focus, and you’re creative and intelligent. I suggest setting a goal by not trying to change yourself. Instead, work with your strengths. Make accommodations by looking at your challenges honestly and gracefully.

Executive function is a group of complex mental processes and cognitive abilities such as working memory and impulse inhibition that control the skills such as organizing tasks, managing time, and solving problems required for goal-directed behavior.

Charles Duhigg, Author of The Power of Habit, says, “Neuroscientists have traced our habit-making behaviors to a part of the brain called the basal ganglia. It also plays a key role in developing emotions, memories, and pattern recognition. Decisions, meanwhile, are made in a different part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. As soon as a behavior becomes automatic, the decision-making part of your brain goes into a sleep mode of sorts.” 

The reality is everyone approaches their why and the change process bringing their unique motivations, purpose, strengths, and weaknesses. I encourage you to embrace who you are. Learn to focus on leveraging your strengths and minimize your weaknesses with a fresh perspective.

What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) ADHD

According to ADDitude, RSD is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. 

It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short – failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations. Or it could become a challenge for an ADHD person who is working to change behaviors to reach a new habit.

Payoff Of Staying Stuck In Old Habits

Old unhealthy habits like drinking, drugs, smoking, overeating, being late, procrastination, yelling, and more cause humans to suffer. The good news is .. they’re completely avoidable.

Stop the negative thoughts when you identify find yourself saying, “I’m always late,” “I worry all the time,” “I can’t stop myself,” or “that’s my impulsivity.” 

You’ve identified yourself with the bad habit. The truth is habits are learned and can change. They are what you do, not who you are.

Your maladaptive habits pay off for you. Although they cause pain in the long run, you get immediate gratification – a reward. And then you repeat the same behaviors. Recognize any of these?

  • Waiting until the last minute to complete a project.
  • Ignoring the alarm you set up to either stop or start a task.
  • Feeling overwhelmed, you don’t do what’s tedious or difficult.

Comfort. You know your habits because they’ve been part of you for years. Good or bad. Many times, it’s because a feeling is attached to the experience.

These reasons are not reasons not to pursue your goal and new habits. Be aware, and then choose differently. 

Four Steps to New Habits

How To Change a Habit

 

 

1. Prepare for Roadblocks

2. Answer the Why Behind the Goal

3. Understand What It Will Take to Have What You Want 

4. ADHD and New Habits

5. Be Aware of the Payoff Of Staying Stuck In Old Habits 

6. Four Steps to New Habits

 

Of course, we all fail as we work to create new habits. Our brains and past habits operate against us. They’ll pull us down no matter our good intentions. And willpower can only take us so far. However, knowing your Why, the right environment, commitment, and supportive thoughts can make change for the better possible.

You are unique. You have challenges. You have weaknesses, but you’re not your weaknesses.

Reading List: 

1. Harvard Business Review has a terrific article titled “What Does It Really Take to Build a New Habit?” 

2. The Power of Habit – Why We Do What We Do in Life, and Business and How to Harness the Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg goes deeper into habits in a significant and insightful way.

FREE DOWNLOAD

“Five Steps To Creating Lasting Change”

Walk through a series of questions to help you adopt & stick with a new habit.

Change takes time and discipline to break the patterns of the past. This process begins with clarity, understanding what gets in your way, and answering, “how much do I want the result from this new habit?”  

I’ve created this download to guide you through a self-coaching exercise to gain clarity and insight into what’s different this time. Your new habit may be life-changing. Let’s go. 

Dulce

My Child Was Diagnosed with ADHD – What Now?

Where Do I Begin After An ADHD Diagnosis?

 

Your child is newly diagnosed with ADHD.  What now?

Start small.  Begin by identifying your expectations. Learn about your child’s strengths.  This gives you the advantage. You’re ready to help your child and set them up for success.

As parents, we have expectations for our children.

These expectations come from our own experiences, values, and beliefs. Let’s start with basic recommendations found in an article by Dr. Beth Seidel titled “Parent Expectations:  2 Steps to Success”. The first step; allow yourself to mourn.

When our children are given an ADHD diagnosis we can be in shock and we want answers.

  • How come?
  • What is this?
  • Who has this?
  • What do I need to do?
  • Who can help me?

Mourning is about giving yourself permission to grieve, be sad or weep if needed.

 

When Is The Time To Act?

Once you have given yourself the opportunity to absorb the news of the diagnosis, find out as much as you can about ADHD. 

  • How does ADHD affect your child?
  • What are the treatment options for your family?
  • Talk to family members and answer their questions too.
  • Clarify your expectations and move to Dr. Seidel’s second step.

Shifting Expectations

Take time to “redefine or reframe” your expectations based on what you learned about ADHD.  You don’t need to raise or lower your standards or expectations.

It means you will teach, expect and support your child at their level.  Dr. Seidel helps us by giving us three recommendations:

  1. Clarify your expectations based on the child’s development stages, as you would with any child
  • Ask yourself where your child’s development is based on the stages of growth. Take into consideration an ADHD child is 33% or 3-5 years behind their peers. How would you respond to a meltdown or tantrum from your 10-year-old compared to your 13-year-old? 

2. Define your expectations based on your child’s neurological abilities

  • ADHD is a neurobiological disorder. It affects our children’s neurological abilities. Gain an understanding of how the neurological abilities and executive functions, such as emotion, self-control, memory, and learning, affect your child.

3.  Establish your expectations based on what’s important to you for your child’s success

  • What’s most important for your child to be successful?  What do you need to let go of? Are you comparing your child to a sibling, relative, or another child? Are you listening to what others say about their child and how good they are doing in school and you know this isn’t the case for your child?  Is it because your child needs help transitioning from one activity to the next? This means you’ll need to monitor the transition process and support your child.  Is your expectation they’ll do their homework with minimal disruption and less support from you?

 

Areas Where You Can Redefine Your Expectations

  • Chores
  • Homework
  • Your emotional response to their behaviors
  • Planning a vacation
  • Your child social interactions with peers

You have lots to consider as a parent of a newly diagnosed child with ADHD. 

Let’s go back to those strengths.  Take a look at the character strengths from VIA.

Classification of Character Strengths

Take time to think of your child and write down all you know they are good at and do.  Use the list to help you in the process.

Knowing their strengths is to your advantage. You can provide feedback. Create strategies to work for them.  You have the power to inspire your child.

The small seed you have planted will grow slowly and helps them be the best person they are set to be.

How To Have A Peaceful Summertime with ADHD

Most parents with ADHD children experience challenges during the summer. Summer is a time for fun, relaxation, and vacations. For most people going on vacation is a nice time to get away from your regular humdrum daily routine.

How To Get Structure For ADHD Children

For people with ADHD, going on vacation can be a stressful and overwhelming event. Vacations involve planning, organizing, and attention to detail to say the least. These are skills that people with ADHD often struggle with because they often have difficulties dealing with activities involving high levels of executive functioning.

What are the skills needed to have a peaceful summertime?

Start planning ahead and with the end in mind (having a stress free, fun summer):

  • Vacation: several months out you might plan on booking the airplane tickets, hotel, and rental car.
  • Keep all correspondence in one place. Whether you prefer taking notes on paper or writing things down on your phone, it is important to keep things such as hotel reservations, tickets, and anything else related to your vacation in one place that you can reference.
  • Several weeks out start making sure each family member finds their luggage and have each person make a list of what to bring.
  • Several days before you may hold each family member accountable for packing and have him or her use the list they created for reference
  • Use:
    • Planner: Write out all the things you need to do and a time line in which to accomplish these goals
    • When you break down the planning into smaller tasks and give yourself a deadline for each task, the process becomes easier to manage and less stressful.
    • Dry erase board: In order to help with organization, you could try writing out a giant to do list on the dry erase board and placing it in the kitchen for the family to see. Everyone in the family is aware of what should be done.
    • Calendar

One thing that school and work provide is daily structure. Without structure it’s easy to become distracted and forgetful, which can lead to stress and anxiety.

While this can be an exciting time to bond as a family, it can also be stressful if one or more family members have ADHD.

Creating routines, structure and summer schedule

A creative way to plan out the summer for children with ADD/ADHD and increase family bonding is to start with a summer schedule. This brings routine and structure to the family and also keeps everyone active.

  • Create a weekly game nights and movie nights
  • Plan themed family dinners (e.g., Taco Tuesdays)
  • ADHD Summer Camps

There are also great summer camps for families with children who have ADHD.

ADHD Summer Camps are a great way to provide daily structure, enhance social skills, and focus their attention on different physical activities.

In the end, summer is a time for fun in the sun! Planning ahead and staying organized can help to minimize stress. By using some of these simple strategies for ADDH/ADHD, you can adjust to the changing summer schedule in a positive and healthy way!

 

By: Alyssa Lee, MRC, CRC, LPC Intern

Supervised by: Dulce Torres, MA, LPC-S

 

They Are Not Being Difficult On Purpose

I have been trained to stop behaviors using rewards and consequences. It took a long time for me to understand that parenting from a misbehavior perspective is not getting anyone to change their behavior. Let’s take a look to see if the source of the challenge is their Executive Functions.

When Their Behavior Is Not Working

When a person isn’t changing or adjusting to the situation, this is described as having a maladaptive behavior. When parenting a child with Executive Functions challenges, shifting our thinking to a maladaptive view will give us a better understanding of their challenges. From there, set realistic goals and get true outcomes.

Let me clarify from the get-go that using rewards and consequences does work with some people. If it works for you – don’t change it (“it is not broken why to fix it”).

Children and adolescents with behavioral challenges know what we want from them. They know we want them to act in a manner where they are accepted by others. As a parent, I want them to not get in trouble. However, they lack important “thinking skills”.

 

What Are Executive Functions

Dr. Ross Greene of Lives in the Balance tells us that “Thinking Skills” are:

  • regulating one’s emotions
  • considering the outcomes of one’s actions before one acts
  • understanding how one’s behaviors affect others
  • communicating to others what’s the matter
  • being flexible

When your techniques are working with your kids, no need to change. However, when what you or the school is doing is not working, it is time to do something different. Children and adolescents need the “thinking skills” to handle life challenges. To learn how to problem-solve.

 

Individuals with ADHD have challenges with Executive Functions.

Executive Functions is the name given to a set of “thinking skills” that facilitate critical thinking and self-regulation. Executive Functions are controlled by an area of the brain called the frontal lobe.

Executive Functions Challenges

Children and adolescents with “thinking skills” challenges include:

  • Organizing themselves
  • Prioritizing
  • Maintaining attention and shifting attention when needed
  • Sustaining and regulating their effort
  • Processing Speed
  • Modulating their emotions (frustration, excitement, anger)
  • Recalling information – memory challenges
  • Monitoring and self-regulating their actions

What do we do? We learn how to identify lagging skills. Use this tool when you are calm, have time and energy. Use this tool with your professional provider, however; as a parent, you can start noticing the challenging areas and have a discussion with your provider.

After you identify the lagging skills, then you can define the problem to be solved.

An example of questions to help identify “difficulty managing emotional response to frustration”:

What am I trying to solve? The time my kid goes to bed.

When does this problem happen? When my child is playing video games.

Where is this a problem? At home, every single night.

Who is involved? My child, myself, my partner

How would you like the situation to resolve? I want my child to be in bed by 9:00 pm.

Consider Collaborative Parenting Skills

You have an incredible opportunity to improve your child or teenager’s ability to manage their own ADHD, behavioral challenges.

 

Executive Functions Make A Difference

 

By Guest Blogger Paula Donnelly, MEd, LPC

Executive function skills refer to the management area of the brain which performs tasks and solves problems. The CEO of the brain. We all have management areas that are stronger.  And areas that are less developed. Knowing this allows people to focus on their strengths and build up their weaknesses.  Use Your strengths to compensate for weaker areas.

Impulse Control – The capacity to:

  • think before you act or speak
  • manage emotions
  • use rational thinking

Working Memory – The ability to:

  • hold information in memory while performing complex tasks
  • draw on experience to apply to the situation at hand or to project into the future

Flexibility – The ability to:

  • revise plans in the face of setbacks, new information, or obstacles

Attention – The capacity to:

  • begin projects without undue procrastination
  • keep paying attention to a task in spite of distractibility, fatigue or boredom
  • complete goals

Planning and Organizing – The ability to:

  • create a road map to complete a task
  • make decisions about what is important to focus on and what is not important
  • create and maintain systems to keep track of information or material

Time Management – The capacity to:

  • estimate how much time one has
  • how to allocate it
  • how to stay within time limits and deadlines, a sense of time urgency, and that time is important

Self-Monitoring– The ability to:

  • stand back and take a bird’s-eye view of yourself in a situation
  • accept feedback from others in the decision making

Strengthening Your Weaker Executive Functions

Live Life Beyond Limitation requires a focus on strengthening executive functioning through strategies, awareness, and immediate feedback. Discover the strengths to control impulses, plan, organize, manage time, stay on task and reach goals.

Activate Your ADHD Brain and Conquer Your “..IT’s”

A hill is just a hill

A hill is just a hill

The parents of children with ADHD are all-too-familiar with phrases like It’s boring” or It’s too hard” or “I don’t like it.”  As adults, these same children come to realize that society will unflinchingly demand certain tasks of us, and slightly modify their complaints to phrases such as It’s so hard to get started” or It‘s late and I can’t find the time” or “I’m not really motivated to complete it.”

Narrow Your Focus

With ADHD every molehill tends to become a mountain. A big aspect of learning to cope with ADHD is taking care to not magnify the workload that is actually before you. Otherwise you risk being told “That excuse only works once – now your job is on the line.”

Narrow your focus. A hill is just a hill. If you were already on top of it, you would be thinking how wonderful it would be to surrender to a childlike urge and roll down it. Visualize the joy that is waiting for you at the top. Revel in the breathless anticipation of launching yourself into the rewards that await you.
Climbing that hill might seem like an obstacle course; there are so many things to avoid! Distractions, negative thoughts, emotional diversions … so let’s talk about the strategies that will help you conquer your personal “IT.”

Activate the Brain

A difficult step for individuals with ADHD is engaging the brain so that it completes a task

Imagine making a cup of tea. You have to find a clean cup, choose the tea, and prepare the hot water (either by kettle, boiling it on the stove, or zapping it in the microwave). Once the hot water is ready, pour it in the cup, add the tea, sugar, lemon.
Yes, most people are lucky enough to handle routine tasks on “automatic pilot.” But you know you’re not most people. With ADHD and possible deficits in your Executive Functions, you won’t process information and follow steps like everybody else. Accept, forgive, allow for extra time, and be patient with yourself.

Knowing all the steps and organizing them is the key to managing an activity

You may visualize them as a list, clearly printed in black and white. Or you may think more like a mapmaker, planning your movements from one section of the kitchen counter to the next. Experiment and determine how your thoughts “move”- do they go down a list, climb up a ladder, or move in a sideways shuffle?

Whatever works, incorporate that into your game plan.  You’re not lazy or unmotivated. You just want a cup of tea before your toast and eggs get cold.  It’s not too much to ask of a waiter in a restaurant.  And it’s just that.  Sometimes you have to be your own waiter. And, here, a delicious breakfast is going to be your tip. (Amazing how a task worth doing to YOUR satisfaction stops being a hill.)

Avant-Garde has a free worksheet in our Resources and Downloads called, Activating The Brain to help you with this strategy.

Get Started

What’s needed? A structure that provides a routine that is repeatable. How do you build this foundation? Understand which ADHD symptoms manifest in your actions. Know how to take charge and manage your symptoms when they arise.

Taking Charge

Taking charge means:

  • being accepting of who you are
  • understanding the weaknesses in your Executive Functions
  • identifying your support system
  • making a commitment to yourself
  • creating an accountability system
  • planning
  • being persistent
New Behaviors. New Hills To Climb.

New Behaviors. New Hills To Climb

Fortunately, there will be a moment in your life when either you or your child will no longer have to consciously “think” about the structure because it is ingrained so deeply that it has replaced the behaviors that seek to divide you.