When we’re curious, people feel understood – heard
What’s behind the painting, the picture or the person?
As the years go by and I coach children, adolescents, college students and adults, at times it is easy for me to jump to conclusions or assumptions on areas where I can see a clear answer before them.
Then, I remember that what inspires me to coach is the desire to be a partner in their journey of self-discovery.
I do that by maintaining an attitude of curiosity. Through curiosity we can learn the other person’s thoughts, motivation and reasoning.
What’s curiosity? Wikipedia defines: Curiosity as “careful, diligent, curious.” It is a quality related to inquisitive thinking such as exploration, investigation, and learning evident in observation of human and many animal species. A thirst for knowledge, curiosity is a major driving force behind scientific research and other disciplines of human study.
Curiosity is about open-mindedness. It’s the willingness to learn about someone else’s point of view, their story or their wants. It starts by asking the first question about the other person.
ASK – Gather Information or Knowledge
LISTEN – Purposely and Passionately
SUSPEND – No Judgment
Last weekend, I went to dinner with some friends and her 17-year old son joined us. This is an amazing young person about to graduate from high school and begin a new stage of his life. As excited as we are for him, we cannot help but feel some anxiousness and fear for the new unknown and what he is about to discover.
This young man is very insightful, funny and caring. We were talking about college and I was super curious about an assignment given to the class. They were asked to write an essay on “integrity”. He proceeded to explain this assignment was given because the class “kind of cheated” on an earlier assignment. The class looked online for the answers.
I wanted to know more. How come? He explained. The teacher gave them an assignment and the website where she took the assignment from was printed on the assignment paper. So, the class decided to use the same website to complete the assignment. To them it was “kind of cheating”.
I asked him about his view on integrity and (I’m paraphrasing). He says, pretty much people throw integrity out the window more often than what others might think. He thought since his teacher didn’t create the assignment herself, they decided “to do the same thing” and use the website to answer it.
He brought up other examples. The adults were looking at each other feeling a little uncomfortable, but realizing that we do sacrifice integrity in certain circumstances. My point here is that I appreciate him taking the time to actually explain his point of view. I appreciate his willingness to have me ask questions. It was refreshing to hear a young person voice his opinion and feel safe to do so. This is what I experience when coaching.
I remember the first time I was working with a college student. I didn’t know anything about his field of study. I didn’t know the lingo or what some of the terms meant. But, the beauty is I didn’t have to know. I just had to be curious and ask questions about him.
When I’m curious people feel understood, heard.
When you show curiosity in what the other person cares about – they engage.