Changing Habits for Someone with ADHD

ADHD and Executive Function Disorder in adults adds a different level of challenge to achieving new habits. Here’s a few ways to help you change a habit.

 

What’s behind habit formation and how to change a habit?

As Atomic Habits author James Clear writes:

        “Changes that seem small and unimportant initially will compound into remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them for years.”

Forming new habits is a complex and challenging mental, emotional and physical process. It involves more than a simple three-step process. And, usually takes longer than most people want it to. 

Let’s talk about the roadblocks which could derail your effort. For those individuals with ADHD or Executive Function challenges, I’ll point out how you have superpowers to take advantage of. It’s also helpful to understand the journey to create new habits. 

Prepare for Roadblocks

Inevitable roadblocks hit when we’re working on change. We know “good intentions” or “sheer willpower” will not move us closer to a habit change in the long run. Take the time to consider why you haven’t been able to sustain the desired change.

        – Not enough time scheduled to make this happen?

        – Really committed?

        – Fear or Shame?

        – Judgment or Guilt?

        – Do you need a trusted friend or two to hold you accountable?

Reflect honestly on what’s holding you back. And let’s consider what you can do differently this time to stick with this new habit.  

Answer the WHY Behind the Goal

I believe reaching the change we want begins with finding the deep seeded reason you want it. Many times, something bigger than ourselves is what takes us to the next level. Become aware of the emotion attached to the change. 

It may be hard to admit the real reason we want something. At the time, we answer questions in a socially acceptable way only to experience the reason, and change is short-lived. What’s your more resounding answer? I want to lose weight to spend more time with my grandchild. Live longer. Ride a bike. Walk without feeling out of breath.

Imagine you want to lose weight to be healthy. Go deeper. Ask yourself, “Why do I want this?”. Often you’ll find a more honest answer. You may realize the real reason is different than health. Possibly to have more confidence. Or be a specific size or shape to help you feel more confident.

Let’s get real with your WHY. Write down every reason you want this new habit.

Understand What It Will Take to Have What You Want 

You’ve addressed why you want this new habit. Now, what it will take to create this change? Knowing this helps you stay focused and motivated because road bumps will appear. 

Your thoughts are critical to your success. Some thoughts will be the truth, and many will be negative untrue thoughts. Write down every thought – even the most insignificant thoughts when you ask yourself:

        – will I be able to achieve this new habit

        – what’s different this time

        – what will my family and friends say about me

        – do I really want to do this because if I do … or if I don’t…

For example, others criticize me for fear of failure, shame, or pain. 

Manage your expectation on how long it will take to reach your goal.

Identifying the date and time you want to reach this goal is essential. Be specific. Don’t shy away or be vague. Also, detail the specific behaviors and time you’ll invest in creating this new habit.

Let me say something about discipline. Delayed gratification is resisting the impulse to choose an immediate reward instead of obtaining a higher-valued reward in the future. Statements such as “I don’t have time to eat” or “I can’t eat because I’m too busy” stop you from doing what you want. Accept that something needs to change, and “You,” “I” can only change ourselves.

ADHD and New Habits

ADHD is your superpower. You have the ability to hyper-focus, and you’re creative and intelligent. I suggest setting a goal by not trying to change yourself. Instead, work with your strengths. Make accommodations by looking at your challenges honestly and gracefully.

Executive function is a group of complex mental processes and cognitive abilities such as working memory and impulse inhibition that control the skills such as organizing tasks, managing time, and solving problems required for goal-directed behavior.

Charles Duhigg, Author of The Power of Habit, says, “Neuroscientists have traced our habit-making behaviors to a part of the brain called the basal ganglia. It also plays a key role in developing emotions, memories, and pattern recognition. Decisions, meanwhile, are made in a different part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. As soon as a behavior becomes automatic, the decision-making part of your brain goes into a sleep mode of sorts.” 

The reality is everyone approaches their why and the change process bringing their unique motivations, purpose, strengths, and weaknesses. I encourage you to embrace who you are. Learn to focus on leveraging your strengths and minimize your weaknesses with a fresh perspective.

What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) ADHD

According to ADDitude, RSD is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. 

It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short – failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations. Or it could become a challenge for an ADHD person who is working to change behaviors to reach a new habit.

Payoff Of Staying Stuck In Old Habits

Old unhealthy habits like drinking, drugs, smoking, overeating, being late, procrastination, yelling, and more cause humans to suffer. The good news is .. they’re completely avoidable.

Stop the negative thoughts when you identify find yourself saying, “I’m always late,” “I worry all the time,” “I can’t stop myself,” or “that’s my impulsivity.” 

You’ve identified yourself with the bad habit. The truth is habits are learned and can change. They are what you do, not who you are.

Your maladaptive habits pay off for you. Although they cause pain in the long run, you get immediate gratification – a reward. And then you repeat the same behaviors. Recognize any of these?

  • Waiting until the last minute to complete a project.
  • Ignoring the alarm you set up to either stop or start a task.
  • Feeling overwhelmed, you don’t do what’s tedious or difficult.

Comfort. You know your habits because they’ve been part of you for years. Good or bad. Many times, it’s because a feeling is attached to the experience.

These reasons are not reasons not to pursue your goal and new habits. Be aware, and then choose differently. 

Four Steps to New Habits

How To Change a Habit

 

 

1. Prepare for Roadblocks

2. Answer the Why Behind the Goal

3. Understand What It Will Take to Have What You Want 

4. ADHD and New Habits

5. Be Aware of the Payoff Of Staying Stuck In Old Habits 

6. Four Steps to New Habits

 

Of course, we all fail as we work to create new habits. Our brains and past habits operate against us. They’ll pull us down no matter our good intentions. And willpower can only take us so far. However, knowing your Why, the right environment, commitment, and supportive thoughts can make change for the better possible.

You are unique. You have challenges. You have weaknesses, but you’re not your weaknesses.

Reading List: 

1. Harvard Business Review has a terrific article titled “What Does It Really Take to Build a New Habit?” 

2. The Power of Habit – Why We Do What We Do in Life, and Business and How to Harness the Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg goes deeper into habits in a significant and insightful way.

FREE DOWNLOAD

“Five Steps To Creating Lasting Change”

Walk through a series of questions to help you adopt & stick with a new habit.

Change takes time and discipline to break the patterns of the past. This process begins with clarity, understanding what gets in your way, and answering, “how much do I want the result from this new habit?”  

I’ve created this download to guide you through a self-coaching exercise to gain clarity and insight into what’s different this time. Your new habit may be life-changing. Let’s go. 

Dulce

Will Changing My Mindset REALLY Impact My Life?

Mindset is defined as “a particular way of thinking: a person’s attitude or set of opinions about something”. One of life’s challenges is when you are”changing your mindset”. Let me give you an example.

 

What do you see when you look at this cavern picture?

A new perspective? An Opportunity? Grace, life, a challenge, freedom, beauty, or peace? Do you feel anxious, nervous, worry about the unknown, or are you excited and have thoughts of “I Can”?

This picture challenges you to consider another way to look at something. Is it new, changing, or unknown? It challenges your opinion about something. It challenges your mindset.

How does your mindset impact your life? Is there a habit in your life you would like to change? It will require a change of mindset to be successful.

For a habit to change, we need to think differently. You need to a new system.

Changing A Habit – Change Your System

We need to create a system to help us succeed in developing our new habits. Here are 5 simple ways to change your mindset to create the change you want in your life.

  1. Tell yourself “I can’t do this YET
  2. Commit to a process. Write down the plan (Daily routine, Schedule). Focus on practice.
  3. Give yourself permission to release the need for immediate results. Put attention to triggers. Plan how you will manage the triggers. Log your daily efforts. Look at the long term. Be Realistic.
  4. Get Feedback: Journaling
  5. Tweak and adjust your plan or process when needed. Continue to focus on what you’re doing.

Is Changing Your Habit Worth It?

What is the one habit you want to change so you can achieve your #1 goal to realize what you want different in your life? Would it be worth 20 minutes a day to figure out what you have to do differently, and then do it?

Research says that in order to create a habit, the first 21 days are of the most value. “It requires a minimum of 21 days for an old image to dissolve and a new one to form” (Phillippa Lally study “How are habits formed: Modeling habit formation in the real world”).

Emphasis on “minimum 21 days” to create a new habit

Notice the end results happening every day. When you follow your plan daily, you’ll see changes. Know if you were not able to follow the plan today, it’s okay. Get back on track immediately. Notice your positive self-talk. Missing one opportunity will not impact the habit-forming process. Being inconsistent by not following the plan will negatively impact creating the new habit.

Goals get you started with your planning and your system is how you’ll realize progress to your new habit.

Six Points To Changing Your Mindset

Here are six points to help you change your mindset and gain clarity on your new habit.

Name what you want

Name the Habit you want to change?

What’s your priority?

Is there anyone you want to talk to this about?

What are the benefits of acquiring this habit?

What challenges will you encounter?

New Challenges Even As Old Ones Are Resolved

When a “Good News” Diagnosis Means “Bad News” for the Relationship

By Guest Author: Gina Pera

We call ADHD a “good news” diagnosis. That’s because it offers not only a long-elusive rational explanation for vexing behavior but also effective treatment strategies.  So, why does diagnosis (and sometimes even treatment) mean “bad news” for some relationships?

The reasons run the gamut, as complex as the individuals involved and their history together. To explore this topic a bit here, let’s begin with a letter (below) sent to me by a reader.  This is only one example of how ADHD diagnosis and treatment might create new challenges even as it resolves old ones.

Jack Celebrates His Success: Why Can’t His Wife? 

Consider Jack, 42, married 12 years and diagnosed nine months ago:

“It took about six months for me to get on board with medication, and the doc and I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet in that regard. But let’s put it this way: Before I started taking medication, I was often criticized for being hyper, loud, disorganized, and easily distracted. Since the medication, I hear myself as I sound to others and so have much more sensitivity to my own volume. I am also now more aware of my tendency to rant. A good argument used to be like food to me.  Now, I don’t have to be in the ring with every discussion, and I can focus normally on a discussion that I am engaged in.

“So, between medication and therapy, I feel my approach to life has changed dramatically.  I’m also better organized, more focused, and doing better at work.  But has all this helped my marriage?  That’s a big surprise. The situation at home has actually gotten worse in many respects.

“In fact, now that my ‘ADHD Fog’ has cleared, I’m seeing the long-running dysfunction in our relationship and wondering if my wife, Judy, could use a diagnosis. Maybe she has ADHD, too, or she’s codependent. Whatever it is, it seems that she can’t stand my being higher functioning; I think it’s because it means she’s losing control. You’d think she’d be happy for me, but she’s not.
“My psychiatrist and therapist agree that my therapy is not only working, but it’s also a success story! With my therapist’s support, I’m standing up for myself more – demanding more control over our finances, for example — and Judy doesn’t like that.  She seems lots angrier, in general, these days, or maybe I just notice it more because the medication means I can’t tune her out as well as I used to.”

New Challenges

Jack’s is one variation on a common theme: Newly diagnosed adults with ADHD begin treatment, often including medication, and soon the “fog” of distractibility, impulsivity, and inattention begins dissipating.

With newfound clarity, many of these adults start re-examining their choices – job and career, friendships, health habits, and sometimes even their mates.

Frequently for the first time in their lives, adults feel solidly optimistic about their ability to evoke permanent changes; after all, they finally have the right answers and right tools. As they excitedly embrace new competencies and confidence, though, inevitably the “balance of power” in their relationship starts shifting.
Therefore, it’s understandable that adults, such as Jack, might feel deflated or even resentful when their partners don’t share their optimism and, in fact, rain on their parade, constantly demoralizing them by dragging them back to past misdeeds.

Understandably, they chafe at a partner who, as if on auto-pilot, constantly issues reminders, directives and second-guesses. It must be devastating, or at least highly irritating, to hear a partner chide, “Well, I give your latest self-help kick six weeks.”
No doubt about it. Change can be threatening, especially when a couple isn’t unified in learning about ADHD and collaborating on new strategies. “Denial” about ADHD can be a problem on both sides. In other words, it might be true that Jack’s wife is unwilling to accept that he can possibly change old habits. Moreover, she might be blind to her own little peccadilloes or even pathology.

But Is Jack Understanding His Wife’s Reactions? 

For edification’s sake, though, let’s ponder what Jack might be missing in this equation. Perhaps Judy has valid reasons for her reactions, reasons that might totally elude Jack, who self-admittedly spent many years in an “ADHD Fog.”  Judy might, in fact, be asking herself these questions:

  • How long will Jack’s “new and improved” behavior last this time?

If Jack is typical, he no doubt has a pre-diagnosis history of “doing better” for weeks or even months at a time – improved focus at home, regular exercise, more patience with the kids, following through on agreements, and the like. Gradually, though, his attention faded or moved on to more stimulating activities. Lather, rinse, repeat. Many times over the years.
His acknowledgment of this pattern? Perhaps rather fleeting and vague, in part because it depresses him to talk about past failures; he’s trying to remain positive about the future. But Judy’s more worried about the past as prologue.

  • How can I trust Jack when he won’t accurately acknowledge past problems as well as show empathy for my experience over the years?

Caught up in the excitement of embracing new possibilities and seeing the past in a rather distorted rear-view mirror, Jack might not clearly remember past patterns, much less their relevance to today. After all, he (and his therapist) consider him a success story.

Judy’s Perspective On All This

Then again, has this therapist solicited Judy’s perspective on all this? Some people with ADHD can talk a real good game during that stimulating hour of therapy (not really lying but perhaps being a bit unrealistic); therefore, how it plays out in real life is only the therapist’s guess. Hence the recommendation for couples working as a team on ADHD education and treatment strategies.

For her part, Judy long ago learned to protect herself from Jack’s “other shoe” inevitably dropping. She’s sworn to never again prematurely celebrate any positive changes he makes; it’s simply too devastating when the positive changes stop suddenly, with no explanation or even acknowledgment from Jack.
As far as him demanding more financial control, how can she possibly acquiesce when he fails to even acknowledge his old spendthrift ways and the devastating impact it had on their family, not to mention how he plans on avoiding the same predicament? It took years for her to dig them out of debt. And just the idea of his demanding financial freedom — as if she never wanted to work together on decisions — makes her neck veins pop. Angry? Darn, straight she’s angry.

Story Continues With The Next Blog Post

Jack and Judy’s story, along with a new story from Katy, continues in our next blog post titled “Good News Diagnosis Sometimes Means Bad News For The Relationship”.

Subscribe to our blog and you’ll receive an email with the conclusion. The information shared by Gina Pera provides perspective, insights and challenges individuals to look at the whole picture.

Gina Pera is an internationally renowned author dedicated to exploring ADHD, especially its impact on relationships. Follow her on Twitter at @GinaPera or on her website www.ginapera.com.

What Derails You From Your Goals

Are You Conscious About What You’re Doing

Recently I’ve been very interested in reading and learning about “mindfulness“.   How does understanding mindfulness help you reach your goals?   I looked up the definition (just to make sure my first interpretation was correct), and one of the definitions is:  “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations”.  Is mindfulness about being conscious about what you are doing?  Sounds simple, but it’s not.   Is mindfulness knowing clearly when your emotions are either hot or cold, when you react without understanding or even thinking about our actions?  Or could it mean being conscious of what you are doing?

People want to change.  They want to improve their lives and set goals only to find life has taken over and detoured them from what they wanted.

I ask myself what happens and how can we follow through?

Are you getting there?

Are you getting there?

What Derails You From Reaching Your Goals

My answer: Keep the picture in your head.  Be aware and conscious of what you “want”.  This can be anything.  Be a better parent, a musician, an entrepreneur or the best husband or wife you can be.  You decide.  And make that image very clear.

Now, the next steps are harder.  How do I achieve that goal?  What do I need?  What does a good parent or partner look like?  How do I start my own business?  Are there obstacles that can derail me from my goals?

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